This is literally a phone conversation I had with my dad a couple of weeks ago:
**ring-ring**
Me: "What?"
D: [Hurried voice.] "I have a question."
Me: "Yes?..."
D: "I was in an accident at the gym. Some guy backed in to me as I was trying to park. I'm okay. The police are on the way, though. This guy seems really irritated..."
Me: "Okay..."
D: "Oh! Okay. So we're getting our information together. Where is my insurance card?"
Me: [I'm wearing my incredulous, 'Are you f***ing kidding me?' face.]
"...Um. I don't know. In the GLOVE BOX? Where people usually keep it?"
D: "OH!!! Yeah! The glove box! That's right. Okay."
Me: [dumbfounded] "Dad?"
D: "Yeah?"
Me: [Exasperated.] "THINK. Before you call me."
D: [With exuberant tone.] "But I like talking to you!"
Me: [Rolls eyes. Dead pan.] "You're ridiculous."
D: [Hurried voice.] "Okay, I gotta go!"
-click-
Me: [Stares at phone, stunned.]
---
Allow me to explain. It wasn't as if, of all things, I took his insurance card and he was calling me to ask where on this planet I decided to hide it from him. He was literally calling to ask me, "Hey...I know you're not my keeper and you've never seen it ever before, but do you of all people happen to know where in the dark abyss of my crap-store I put my insurance card?"
Just so you're aware of my tone, I wasn't angry or annoyed that he called me. I was just shocked that his brain had so poorly malfunctioned that he actually had to call me to figure out where his card was hiding.
Did I mention that he had decided to go to the gym AFTER midnight, which by that point means his brain capacity is already considerably depleted for the day?
Also, since he was involved in a little fender bender, he's allowed to be a little flustered...
But see...dad's not normal people.
Normal people's brains go,
"Car accident. Must trade insurance. Insurance in wallet/glove box."
Dad's brain apparently went,
"Truck hit my car. Man angry. Must trade insur-
//system error. can not compute."
Seriously?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
#1
Welcome to my dad's lawn mower story.
Mom just retired. (Yay mom!) The first thing she wanted to do on her second day off?
Mow the jungle of their yard. This is an activity that dad usually executes, however, he was being particularly harebrained as of late so she decided to chip in to the chores around the house.
So she goes to the shed to get the mower only to find that the key to the mower had been left in the ignition in the "lights on" position.
Apparently the last time dad mowed the yard he had parked the mower in the shed and forgot to remove the key, thereby leaving the lights on, thereby draining the battery of any power, whatsoever, at all.
So, since the battery on his lawn mower had indeed crapped out and could not be resuscitated he decided to go to Wal-Mart yesterday to get a new one.
He found the perfect battery.
He took it to the counter to pay for it...with his credit card.
After he yakked it up with the clerk he happily walked away with his purchase, came home and (after a plethora of curse words of frustration) installed the new battery into the mower and then the yard was thereby transformed from an overgrown mess into a manicured lawn. Hoorah!
Yesterday the Wal-Mart clerk had informed him that if he were to bring in the old battery he would receive a $9 refund of off his new battery purchase. So, of course, today he decided to take in the old battery and collect his whopping NINE DOLLARS (!!!). The clerk asked for his credit card so she could make the return onto the previous day's purchase. So my dad goes to take out his credit card...only to find that it's not in his wallet.
Where on Earth could it be?!
In the Wal-Mart lost and found.
Because while he was, as usual, busy trying to joke with the clerk he forgot the task at hand and LEFT. His credit card. On. The. Counter.
For anyone to steal and with which have a shopping spree.
Luckily the reputable clerk got a hold of it before anyone else did and put it in a safe place until dad would remember it and come looking.
This is just elementary stuff my friends...just you wait.
6/3 Update: A few days later his credit card protection service called and informed him that some asshat in Nowhere, Connecticut had charged $107 dollars to the "lost for a day at Wal-Mart" credit card. Perhaps the nice clerk wasn't so nice after all?
He canceled the card.
Mom just retired. (Yay mom!) The first thing she wanted to do on her second day off?
Mow the jungle of their yard. This is an activity that dad usually executes, however, he was being particularly harebrained as of late so she decided to chip in to the chores around the house.
So she goes to the shed to get the mower only to find that the key to the mower had been left in the ignition in the "lights on" position.
Apparently the last time dad mowed the yard he had parked the mower in the shed and forgot to remove the key, thereby leaving the lights on, thereby draining the battery of any power, whatsoever, at all.
So, since the battery on his lawn mower had indeed crapped out and could not be resuscitated he decided to go to Wal-Mart yesterday to get a new one.
He found the perfect battery.
He took it to the counter to pay for it...with his credit card.
After he yakked it up with the clerk he happily walked away with his purchase, came home and (after a plethora of curse words of frustration) installed the new battery into the mower and then the yard was thereby transformed from an overgrown mess into a manicured lawn. Hoorah!
Yesterday the Wal-Mart clerk had informed him that if he were to bring in the old battery he would receive a $9 refund of off his new battery purchase. So, of course, today he decided to take in the old battery and collect his whopping NINE DOLLARS (!!!). The clerk asked for his credit card so she could make the return onto the previous day's purchase. So my dad goes to take out his credit card...only to find that it's not in his wallet.
Where on Earth could it be?!
In the Wal-Mart lost and found.
Because while he was, as usual, busy trying to joke with the clerk he forgot the task at hand and LEFT. His credit card. On. The. Counter.
For anyone to steal and with which have a shopping spree.
Luckily the reputable clerk got a hold of it before anyone else did and put it in a safe place until dad would remember it and come looking.
This is just elementary stuff my friends...just you wait.
6/3 Update: A few days later his credit card protection service called and informed him that some asshat in Nowhere, Connecticut had charged $107 dollars to the "lost for a day at Wal-Mart" credit card. Perhaps the nice clerk wasn't so nice after all?
He canceled the card.
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