#5

Dad gets a little harebrained whenever he tries to run errands.
Usually because he's in a rush and doesn't have time to think straight. Because he's usually rushing to rush through his errands so he can rush to whatever event he's late for because he spent all day lolly-gagging instead of doing what he was supposed to be doing.

"Usually". That's wrong... "Always". Because he's always rushing around town like a maniac because he's never on time for anything - ever - because he always lolly-gags.

Being on time for something and going at a normal casual pace?
//system error. can not compute.

Anyway...

So I'm in the grocery store one day and my phone starts ringing and I see my father's face on caller ID:

Me: What?
Dad: Help!
Me: What?
Dad: I went into Wal-Mart (yes, another Wal-Mart story...damn that store) and wanted to buy some things, but I went to pay for them and realized - I don't have my wallet! I left it at home!
Me: {rolls eyes} Ok.
Dad: I need money! I have other errands to run. Where are you? Are you...where...what are you doing?
Me: I'm at the grocery store.
Dad: Oh good! I need money. Do you have money?
Me: Yes. Come meet me here.
(The grocery store is 3 minutes down the road from Wal-Mart)
Dad: Ok! I'll meet you in the parking lot. I'll be there in {thinks}...5 minutes!!!
Me: Fine.
--click--

Twelve minutes later I'm sitting in my car at the end of the row in the parking lot wondering, "Why on God's green earth is it taking him 4x as long as it should for him to make the 3/4 mile trip down the road?"

He eventually shows up and pulls up right next to my car so that our driver's side windows are next to each other. Yayyy.
I don't even have to get out of the car.

Dad: How much money you got?
Me: An infinite supply. {I show him my credit card.}
Dad: You're kidding... {Disappointed. He wanted cash.}
Me: What?! You said you needed money! This is money!!! It's all I have. Well.
{I look into the black hole of my purse.}
I have a dollar...twenty-five. What'll that buy you?
Dad: Give me the card.
Me: {Smiles.} :)
Dad: Thank you!
Me: Don't hurt yourself. Watch the road. Bye.
Dad: Ok! {Drives off.}

Turns out the other errand he had to run was to go to the post office to mail some letters. I suppose when he paid for postage using my credit card no one asked to see his ID or even bothered to check the name on the card because he was, indeed, able to use it.
Yayyy security.

Later when we both were at home I asked him what we got in the mail today. (We have a PO box.)
His shoulders slumped.

Dad: I forgot to get it.
Me: ??? But...you were. at. the. post. office.... ?
{Gave him my best "what is wrong with you?"/"wtf?!" eyebrows scrunched confused face.}
Dad: I know... {Shakes head, dumbfounded.} I went in straight to the clerk to pay for the postage and I just...walked right back out.
Me: You were right there.
Dad: I know.
Me: Ok?

Two. Back to back.
Lost wallet. Lost train of thought.
No money. No mail. No mental capacity.

#4

This really doesn't fall under the category of things my Dad forgets, but it's still too funny not to post.

I was watching the CWS the other night in the living room and Dad had come in to sit next to me to watch A&M try to win over SC. --Didn't happen--

During the commercial break he went back into the kitchen to get his toast that had popped up done. Still no action in the game.

After a minute I hear,
"Dammit!!!"

I flinched and my attention shifted toward the kitchen.

I waited to hear if more drama was to ensue. None.

After another minute he emerged from the kitchen looking all annoyed.

I stared at him the entire time on his journey from the kitchen to the sofa.

He sat down next to me and I waited for an explanation.

D: "This plate is slippery!!!"

(to illustrate, he moves the plate back and forth and the two pieces of toast with strawberry jam slippery slide around the plate)

Me: "Uh-huh." (keep going)

D: "I picked up the plate to walk away and the toast fell right to the ground! Right to the ground! Face down, too! Jam stuck to the floor and everything!"

Me: "Bwahhhhahhahahahha!!!"

D: "I'm still eating it, though. Germs and everything."

#3

I was in the kitchen making lunch today and dad was 10 feet away in the office on the phone, shouting into it as usual, talking to some company about I don't know what.

Allow me to mention that his corner of the office comprises of an L-shaped desk where piles and piles of crap scattered work papers lie in a muddle of which no desk space can be seen.

So I'm focusing on making lunch, and I hear him shouting, but I'm tuning him out as per usual so that whatever ridiculous thing he's shouting about doesn't mess up my zen, when all of I sudden I hear my name being shouted. He has on his, "I need your help." voice. I'm working on making the perfect sweet potato dish, so I was going to take my time in replying, however, 6 seconds later I hear my name being called in a, "I need your help immediately!" voice.

I walk into the office and dear old dad is trying to conduct some sort of deal over the phone because he has his phone in one hand, the other hand is searching under the piles of crap paper in front of him, and his face is wearing this baffled/aggravated expression. He asks the person to please hold, and then says to me:

"Where is my credit card?! It was here a minute ago!!!"

By this point I'm standing right next to him, watching him get all upset while he spins back in forth in the swivel chair trying to figure out where the hell his card got legs and ran off to without his permission.

It took me all of one second to point to the fugitive credit card laying at his feet.

He picks it up, shakes his head, furrows his brow
and confoundedly says, "Thank you!"

Mom happened to witness this episode.
As I walked away we exchanged, "Holy hellfire Batman! Sumting dun gone wrong wit dat man ovah dere!" glances.

True story.

His poor brain disappointed him.
It was, after all, right there a second ago.
The card. Not his brain.
Well... That, too.

#2

This is literally a phone conversation I had with my dad a couple of weeks ago:

**ring-ring**

Me: "What?"

D: [Hurried voice.] "I have a question."

Me: "Yes?..."

D: "I was in an accident at the gym. Some guy backed in to me as I was trying to park. I'm okay. The police are on the way, though. This guy seems really irritated..."

Me: "Okay..."

D: "Oh! Okay. So we're getting our information together. Where is my insurance card?"

Me: [I'm wearing my incredulous, 'Are you f***ing kidding me?' face.]
"...Um. I don't know. In the GLOVE BOX? Where people usually keep it?"

D: "OH!!! Yeah! The glove box! That's right. Okay."

Me: [dumbfounded] "Dad?"

D: "Yeah?"

Me: [Exasperated.] "THINK. Before you call me."

D: [With exuberant tone.] "But I like talking to you!"

Me: [Rolls eyes. Dead pan.] "You're ridiculous."

D: [Hurried voice.] "Okay, I gotta go!"

-click-

Me: [Stares at phone, stunned.]
---

Allow me to explain. It wasn't as if, of all things, I took his insurance card and he was calling me to ask where on this planet I decided to hide it from him. He was literally calling to ask me, "Hey...I know you're not my keeper and you've never seen it ever before, but do you of all people happen to know where in the dark abyss of my crap-store I put my insurance card?"

Just so you're aware of my tone, I wasn't angry or annoyed that he called me. I was just shocked that his brain had so poorly malfunctioned that he actually had to call me to figure out where his card was hiding.

Did I mention that he had decided to go to the gym AFTER midnight, which by that point means his brain capacity is already considerably depleted for the day?
Also, since he was involved in a little fender bender, he's allowed to be a little flustered...

But see...dad's not normal people.
Normal people's brains go,
"Car accident. Must trade insurance. Insurance in wallet/glove box."

Dad's brain apparently went,
"Truck hit my car. Man angry. Must trade insur-
//system error. can not compute."

Seriously?

#1

Welcome to my dad's lawn mower story.

Mom just retired. (Yay mom!) The first thing she wanted to do on her second day off?
Mow the jungle of their yard. This is an activity that dad usually executes, however, he was being particularly harebrained as of late so she decided to chip in to the chores around the house.
So she goes to the shed to get the mower only to find that the key to the mower had been left in the ignition in the "lights on" position.
Apparently the last time dad mowed the yard he had parked the mower in the shed and forgot to remove the key, thereby leaving the lights on, thereby draining the battery of any power, whatsoever, at all.
So, since the battery on his lawn mower had indeed crapped out and could not be resuscitated he decided to go to Wal-Mart yesterday to get a new one.
He found the perfect battery.
He took it to the counter to pay for it...with his credit card.
After he yakked it up with the clerk he happily walked away with his purchase, came home and (after a plethora of curse words of frustration) installed the new battery into the mower and then the yard was thereby transformed from an overgrown mess into a manicured lawn. Hoorah!

Yesterday the Wal-Mart clerk had informed him that if he were to bring in the old battery he would receive a $9 refund of off his new battery purchase. So, of course, today he decided to take in the old battery and collect his whopping NINE DOLLARS (!!!). The clerk asked for his credit card so she could make the return onto the previous day's purchase. So my dad goes to take out his credit card...only to find that it's not in his wallet.

Where on Earth could it be?!

In the Wal-Mart lost and found.

Because while he was, as usual, busy trying to joke with the clerk he forgot the task at hand and LEFT. His credit card. On. The. Counter.
For anyone to steal and with which have a shopping spree.

Luckily the reputable clerk got a hold of it before anyone else did and put it in a safe place until dad would remember it and come looking.

This is just elementary stuff my friends...just you wait.

6/3 Update: A few days later his credit card protection service called and informed him that some asshat in Nowhere, Connecticut had charged $107 dollars to the "lost for a day at Wal-Mart" credit card. Perhaps the nice clerk wasn't so nice after all?
He canceled the card.